Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Disappointed With Myself

As of late I have been disappoited with myself. I looked at the fact that I'm not currently in college and other such things in my life, and couldn't help but be disappointed with myself. If only I could've done this or that better or differently then it wouldn't be this way right now. I guess the old sins of self-pity and discontentment that I've also been struggling with lately could have been the spring board for the self-disappointment. After being stuck of not going anywhere for about 2 years post-highschool I was getting restless; and with the wheels not turning there was no light at the end of the tunnel.
Yesterday as I was driving home with my mother from picking her up from work, it was raining like crazy! My mother was tired, and not in the best mood, and my driving wasn't helping that. Not to say that my driving at the time was bad, but apparently she just wasn't comfortable with my driving. So against my will she had mne pull over so that could take over driving. I wasn't happy about that, becasue I felt like at that moment she was pretty much saying that my driving was pitiful, and it got in the mood of being disappointed. Not only with that, but a lot of other things. I just felt disappointed with myself in regards with a lot of things that have happened in my life. Yet as I thought more and more of this, I couldn't help but become not only disappointed with myself, but angry as well. Why would I be angry with myself? Well I think only healthy reason to be angry with self is because of sin.
Yep, it sure was crazy how it took a twist from being diappoited with myself in a negative, putting-myself-down kinda way to being disappointed with sin. I started to look at things that have gone wrong in the past, a messes that that I've made, and became more disgust with my sin. It all reminds me of Paul in Romas 7 where he is expressing the struggle between the good he wants to do but doesn't do it, and the bad he doesn't want to do but keeps commiting. "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate." (Rom 7:15). Here in verse 7 expresses how he is not doing the good he wants to do, and is doing the opposite, what he hates, namely sin.
I can relate to Paul here, because quite frankly I'm getting sick of committing the sin I hate, and not doing the good that I want to do. Looking back how the messes that my sin has created, and how it makes me act makes me grow more in hatred toward it. This is how it should be. Growing in hatred against sin, and in desire to do good. Or better yet growing more in love with with Christ and all things that relate to Him!

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